Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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