He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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