You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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