if i can run in heels then i can drive
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
