What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
