i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
