I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
