so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
