I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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