Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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