So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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