mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
