Will you blow on my dice?
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
