I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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