im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
