last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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