I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
