he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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