we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
