Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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