I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
When did angry sex become our thing?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Is Oprah even human
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize