I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
