Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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