I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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