no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
