I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
