after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
