3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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