i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
