I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
