im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
