now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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