he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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