he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
