She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
