Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
