I could have mohawked her pubes.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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