I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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