I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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