I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
