Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
