in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
