I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
