i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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