Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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