I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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