The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
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Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
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For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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