She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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