You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
