textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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