I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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