he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
