Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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