I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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