does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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