maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
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Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
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Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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