i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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