two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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