I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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