Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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