I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
